WHY WE LOVED BONES

The end of season eight of Bones has not been without controversy; after a mediocre series, with only seven or eight episodes that were worth watching, the last episode The Secret inthe Siege came along and just at the turning point in the third act, when the fans and the characters had the chocolate and the wine ready to celebrate the weddings, the series was hit with what will possibly be the coup de grâce. The telephone rings, the joke villain gives an unlikely threat and a character, that for eight years had been the paradigm of the good and honourable man in which a woman could trust, stupidly, became a horrible traitor.

Brilliant idea of Stephen Nathan’s in order to reinvigorate the series, brilliant. He must be proud of what he has achieved, so much so that he will never ask himself, to paraphrase Vladimir, the vagabond from “Waiting for Godot” by Beckett “Why was I laughing whilst others suffered?” And I don’t doubt that he has read the Irish genius, only it didn’t matter to him. He (those), grown arrogant from so much success, decided the moment had come to show the monstrous bossy boots of the caves (as HH called fans) that dared to demand times and relationships from the producers, who the boss of Bones was.

And it has happened just at the end of the road, when only the most faithful still remained, those that, in spite of the little they received episode after episode, they still kept the faith. And it has been such a devastating blow that at last, now yes, they have realised that when series 9 starts there won’t be anything for them, not even rain, only the pain and the anger that life reserves for “the Miserables”.

So having arrived at this point and before the heat and the shame feed the revenge, before becoming dust and the last seven years are forgotten, it is useful to remember the reasons why we loved Bones. It is not the first time nor will it be the last time someone lists them. Each fan will have theirs. My reasons, those that led to my addiction, even against reason or to my benefit, are numerous. For now, if it helps someone get through to autumn, I leave you my 206 reasons:

1.— For Booth’s perfect acromial apophysis.

2.— But also for Booth’s little paunch.

3.— Because when she entered the room and he saw her he said, “No thanks, I don’t need Bibles”.

4.— Because when she put the dress on that he bought her she turned into Roxy the school teacher that drives the boys wild. The sexy and cruel Roxy.

5— Because from the first episode it offered us something nearly all women secretly desire.

6.— A hot guy chasing after a girl.

7.— And because in comparison with other police series the bodies are already dead and they sometimes even turn up covered in diamonds.

8.— Because a woman can imagine someone whispering close, very close to her that “What I want you to do is take off your glasses, let your hair down and say Mr Booth, do you know how much the fine for bringing back a book late is?”

9.— Because the innocent doctor, before letting her hair down asked “Why?” and the reason why didn’t matter anymore to him.

10.— Because the only killings that were allowed were those that commemorated Valentines Day and you were never saw any blood.

11.— Because when she said “I’m pregnant. You’re the father” she was nervous like in real life.

12.— And in contrast to what sometimes happens in real life, he smiled.

13.— Because a lot of what it taught us will be useful to us if we one day attend a trial. For example, what was said about grey suits sending the message to the jury that you are a serious person with common sense.

14.— For the genius of the laboratory with plate eyes and a melon head.

15.— Because they disguised a cow’s behind and it still seemed brilliant.

16.— For clarifying for us that the first amendment does not protect friendship.

17.— And if you don’t respond adequately to the judge’s questions you will be made to pay the collector.

18.— But above all that “A friend should never send their friend’s father to the electric chair”.

19.— Because, despite the fact that Charlotte, that woman who travelled to China, who loved mysteries, said “When you have to go, you have to go”…

20.— … They never let us attend the main character’s prostate examination.

21.— And we had to make do with praying a litany to all the saints that were sat to the right of God the Father.

22.— Because thanks to the financial resources of the Jeffersonian, there is always an umbrella nearby when the gases of putrefaction threaten.

23.— Because the only angry men that do not have a good heart are the executive producers.

24.— Because it has shown that hard and threatening phalanges can turn out to be some nice dancers.

25.— Now they may find themselves inside a bear or they may be an 18^th Century pirate – Pirates!!!

26.— For teaching us the trick with the fireman’s helmet and the hose to drink cold beer in the bath.

27.— Because men are from Mars and they have weapons but women disarm them with a simple pudding.

28.— For convincing us that extra-terrestrials are anthropologist cockroaches.

29.- Because when he said in The Woman from Limbo “I know who you are”, he wasn’t lying, that man wasn’t cheating.

30.— Because she said “Sometimes I think you come from another planet and sometimes I think you are very good”. And we believed her.

31.— For advice such as “Sometimes you have to get the brain and put it in neutral and take the heart and accelerate hard”.

32.— Because although Booth’s patriotic duty may be to be at the doctor’s side as a bodyguard.

33.— It was never important for Booth, a respectable civil servant, to fly first class.

34.— Because they showed us how to defend a man so that he wouldn’t have to die due to a charge based on a mere hypothesis.

35.— For the captain of the Titanic.

36.— Because he isn’t just a high scorer but actually the king of the laboratory.

37.— Because he knew important things such as how many Chinese chopsticks there are in the world.

38.— For warning us that the perfect man does not exist.

39.— That he is only the result of the mixing of many other different men.

40.— For showing us that opening a time capsule can smell foul.

41.— And that attending a reunion can be fatal.

42.— For the Girlfriend without Bones.

43.— For the Caroline Julian’s clapped out car

44.— And obviously because she is a bright girl who loves boats.

45.—And of course for the mistletoe, the chewing gum and the entire Pacific fleet.

46.— For the woman who is capable of seeing in the bones of a cadaver the human being that once was.

47.— And in the ruins of house, she can see the home that it will one day become.

48.—And of course for the man that before dying wants to catch as many baddies as men he has killed.

49.— For the rich man who secretly stocked the Jeffersonian safe with funds…

50.— … who robbed Booth’s custard from the hospital, yuck.

51.— For Him, who the doctor said was born to a single mother.

52.— For the parents who hearts are broken when someone tries to break their son’s heart.

53.— For the 60-based Babylonian numeral system.

54.— For the seahorses and their desire for rotting flesh.

55.— For the foodie beetles who love barbecues.

56.— For the rhubarb and the beer.

57.— For the decontamination showers.

58.— For the stars and the constellations.

59.— For Ripley, the pigs, frozen or not and the dolphins.

60.— For Virginia’s cousin who didn’t like Booth’s tiny eyes.

61.— For the sayings of Benjamin Franklin, for showing us that someone can live having as their only guide a small book as big as a box of matches.

62.— For the poets’ pain and the mythical swords.

63.— And the Canadian Podiatrist.

64.— For the potatoes that generated electricity.

65.— For the frozen peas.

66.— For the smoke and for destiny.

67.— For the brother that searched for bones next to the railway.

68.— For Tanaka and the androgynous ones.

69.— For the artist that saved up to go to Paris

70.— And she open the shirt to get information.

71.— For the disobedient robots with the crossed wires.

72.— And the sadness of the handprints, of lips, on a window.

73.— For the secret names which only whispered can be pronounced.

74.— Because the devil turned out to be a bearded Texan guitarist.

75.— Because girls can be fun.

76.— For the “Come on, Booth, come” and Booth went. Or not because he then attended his own funeral.

77.— Because the inspector Saroyan said “Should I describe your people as idiots or as just not very helpful?”.

78.— And the company lawyer replied “Put them down as being well represented”.

79.— Because whoever wants to become a writer of a bestseller should know that they have to have an idea and something…somewhere to write it in.

80.— Because the doctor didn’t know, nor considered it important, the order in which both things were necessary.

81.— Because he said “Christmas is the perfect time to put your house is order with Him up there”.

82.— And she looking at his finger pointing up at the sky answered “With who? With the helicopter pilot?”

83.— For reminding us that a good business, like a good marriage, appears to be boring.

84.— Because everyone knew that the best way of hurting him was to hurt her.

85.— Because despite being a genius, he turned out to be the typical idiot who goes to jail for a murder he didn’t commit.

86.— Because she said “I knew you wouldn’t give up”

90.— And he replied: “I knew that you wouldn’t give up”.

91.— Because he said “Hunger”

92.— And she said “Sex”.

93.— Because she said “Child”

94.— And he said “Baby”.

95.— Because she said “Booth”

96.— And he said “What? You think I’m a baby?”

97,— Because she said “Sperm”

98.— And he asked “Sperm? Isn’t this getting a little weird?”

99.— Because Sweets said “No, keep going” and he said “Egg”

100.— And then she said “I want a baby”

101.— And because when she chose Booth to be the sperm donor she did it rationally: because he had a more prominent inferior mandible and zygomatic bone than Fisher and a better relationship between the width of his clavicles and his ilium bone.

102.— Because when Angela said that she was therefore doing it because “Booth is hot”

103.— She, honestly but very womanly, replied that statistically attractive people are more successful. “I am only thinking of the child, Angela”.

104.— Because Stewie, the cartoon, the only honest man in the whole episode, says “You’ve got a hot doctor friend. Go to her and make a direct deposit like a man”.

105.— And it turned out that he was a god, that according to the motile sperm count, he could start his own country.

106.— Because it was like that, as two series later, with his first direct deposit as a man, he got her pregnant.

107.— Obviously as we all knew, when it happened, she had been sleeping alone for more than two years and for that reason Angela said at the time that “She had enough accumulated sexual energy to keep a Midwestern city alight”.

108.— Because the grandfather told him that if he needed to be alone with the bone doctor, he would get out of the way and he replied “Ok but there is nothing going on between us”.

109.— The grandfather, wisely asked him “Are you gay?”

110.— Because she said “You shouldn’t let me hug you each time I get scared”.

111.— And he answered “Let’s do this, the next time I get scared, I’ll hug you”.

112.— Because Booth said “God does not make mistakes”.

113.— And Angela doubtfully, replied “I don’t know, I don’t know, he put testicles on the outside...” and Booth had no other option but to agree. It was a mistake as it hurts sometimes.

114.— Because they were more innocent times when she, eating, asked him “Do you want to marry me?”

115.- And he replied saying, “I don’t know, I have to think about it a bit. It is a situation that you shouldn’t treat lightly”.

116.— Because Max, the worried father, asked him “Are you sleeping with my daughter?”

117.— And as Booth denied it, he asked him “Are you gay?”

118.— For the farewell notes archived in limbo.

119.— Because sexy FBI agents cannot, I repeat, cannot change what they are, as much as the producers may make this last minute decision.

120.— For the coded messages.

121.— For the doctor’s bribes.

122.- For the grandfather, his friend Margaret and crochet.

123.— For the Booth’s grandmother’s large behind.

124.— Because Booth was convinced and convinced us all that when two people make love they merge into one.

125.— And it didn’t matter to him, it didn’t matter to us, that she, rational as always, replied saying it was impossible for two people to occupy the same physical space.

126.— Because that is the miracle of love.

127.— For the champions, the parents that cry and their children.

128.— For Buck and Wanda’s mobile home.

129.— For Buck and Wanda’s wigs.

130.— For the sounds of the waves lapping the shore of Nerja beach.

131.— For Cher and Cat Woman

132.— For Booth’s double vision in the changing rooms of the hockey team.

133.— Because Hockey is Hockey

134.—For Booth’s under control anger.

135.— In spite of the fact that he should have let her go out and not allow Sweets to follow alone shivering in that scene.

136.— For the corporal Teddy Parker and his re-encounter with reality.

137.— Even if at the time of leaving, the real people keep leaving first.

138.— Because they showed us that it is not only 20 year olds that don’t know how to say “I love you”.

139.— For the spring cleaning.

140.— For the death of the ghosts.

141.—For the “Cocky” belt buckle.

142.— For the strippers that study Criminology

143.— And the pacifiers.

144.— Because the girls with the bat.

145.— For Booth’s weapon.

146.—  For Cam’s sunglasses on deceased Hank’s face

147.— For the funerals and their “usual things” such as the confrontation between the lover and wife.

148.— But also for the “brothers” that going out of tune, encourage you to sing, with a voice like a tenor with a cold, Sweet Love.

149.— Because one of the most entertaining episodes ended with Booth and Brennan leaving a cemetery and he says “If I die, I’d like you to do me a favour. And she replies, “Well, you’re going to die, that’s inevitable”.

150.— And he replies “Well, when I inevitably drop down dead before you, I would like you to come here and spend some time with me and you know...talk to me”.

151.—And she says “I would feel stupid knowing that you can’t hear me”.

152.—And he says with a pained expression on his face, “Promise me”.

153.—And she suddenly decided, says “I promise”.

154.—And he happy that she promised, adds, “I didn’t think that you would agree with me. Why did you agree?”

155.— And she says “Because if I believed that you were still here, I would feel better for a while. Also figuratively speaking as you ask me I would look briefly through your eyes and I think that would make me live my life more fully”.

156.—And putting his hand on her shoulder, he says “Do you know, Bones, that is the best thing that anyone has ever said about me”. He then asks her afterwards, underneath the umbrella to make sure that he is dead before putting him in the ground and that she leaves it for a couple of hours.

157.— And she being practical says “It would be better to refrigerate you or you’d start smelling”.

158.— For the abundant amount of photocopies of backsides.

159.— For the English people’s forehead.

160.— And for the battered Opalescences that don’t have a Citizen 14 to hand to rescue them.

161.— For the retired murderers.

162.— For the watermelons and the bottles breaking heads.

163.— For Pat, the fat lady, yes also for Pat, her socks and her shot.

164.— For Avalon, her cards and her nails.

165.— But most of all for the appearance of the removal company worker with Booth’s three-day beard.

166.— For the cats, their food and their poos.

167.— For the books about dummies and the old pipes.

168.— For the luddites and the Internet dates.

169.— For the firemen.

170.— For the Boolean searches and the towns named Parker, the streets named Parker and the businesses named Parker.

171.— For the cadavers, the antidotes and his need to “Fix the world”.

172.— Because they taught us that a hero is screwed if he has to explain that he was one.

173.— For Shakespeare’s rose and the foster children’s bin bags.

174.— For the most fun guy “Baby Andy”

175.— Because he was going to be with Bones until the end

176.— For the plates of French fries at the diner, I’m hungry!

177.— For Jasper, the Smurfette, the Brainy Smurf and Keep on Trying

178.— For John Wayne, Clara Bow and the Mummy

179.— For the snakes that are only scary when Booth is present.

180.— For the contained sigh, so contained that you have to watch carefully or risk missing it, that Booth lets out when Brennan apologises for not having asked him to come with her to the gynaecologist.

181.— For Staple, the smallest bone in the Bones family.

182.— For the experiments with mortadella, the barrels, the watermelons and the balloon that pretended to be Wendell’s wrecked head.

183.— For the garlic breadsticks.

184.— For the photos of Christine’s poo (that is a fake)

185.— For Mothers suckers.

186.— Because Booth believes in Heaven.

187.— And Brennan believes in Booth.

188.— For the ceramic horses and origami eagles (Booth’s secret skills)

189.— For the lab coats and the names embroidered on the pocket.

190.— For the “You’ve lost, it is my turn”.

191.— For the Spanish that Brennan speaks, the Farsi, the German and the other three languages, two of which we’ve never heard of.

192.— Because “My name is Gordon, Gordon Gordon Wyatt”.

193.— For the little girl that will never get off the potty.

194.— For Jack Hodgins, successful writer of police novels

195.— Because they never get anything right, those writers of police novels.

196.— Because Zack screamed like a girl in a teenage horror film.

197.— Because the psychologist was, in fact, only a waiter.

198.— Because they said she was cold like an iceberg.

199.— She didn’t, however, turn out to be from Iceland, cold to the touch with a fire inside.

200.— Because he doesn’t use his head and thinks that everything he feels is true.

201.— Because people say “You only live once”

202.— But people are wrong about this as they are about everything.

203.— Because the idea of losing control of your personal happiness is unbearable.

204.— Because he said “It was a strange dream...it seemed so real to me...”

205.— Because you love someone and you expose yourself to suffering.

206.— Because maybe they break your heart, maybe you break theirs and afterwards you are never able to look at yourself in the same way.

So, in the perfect episode that was “The End in the Beginning” we didn’t lay any importance on it, it sounded like a set phrase. And yet the producers were hiding it up their sleeves “maybe they break your heart and afterwards you will never be able to look at yourself in the same way”. At the end of the eighth series, carrying out this prediction has been a piece of bravado but we know that Bones and its creators are not perfect.

The only thing that us old addicts can say, in the words that Keats, the Irish poet, dedicated to Lord Byron, is “Still warble dying swan! Still the tale, the enchanting tale, the tale of pleasing woe”. Or in its loose translation “Keep telling us dying Bones, the charming tale, the tale of pleasing pain”.